Over the past few weeks, I have gotten a lot of comments that revolve around how lucky our daughter is to be joining our family, or how admirable it is of us to adopt a child with special needs. I truly appreciate the sentiment behind these statements, but they always make me uncomfortable. Probably because I know myself and all my many faults. I know no family is perfect, and I understand that our family is certainly not extremely dysfunctional or anything, but we still deal with tons of weaknesses on a daily basis. Those things just tend to not get posted to the blog or to facebook! I post when my kids say cute things, give a good recital, or look good in a picture. I never post about losing my temper and yelling at my kiddos (which happens too often). Three years ago, I said and posted all the right things about trusting in God and his plan (which I did and still do) after my daughter died. But I fear that I left out too much of the ugly stuff. I was very depressed. I was (and still am, to a certain extent) very angry. I left out the part about drinking (not an insignificant amount) on a regular basis (pretty much every night?) because it was the only thing I could do to dull the pain. There are many aspects of my life and our life as a family that are not worthy of admiration.
Also, I am so convinced that we are the "lucky" ones, to be blessed with another beautiful daughter. Sure she has pretty significant special needs. She will probably require more attention and doctor's visits than our other three kids. Of course I have no way of knowing what the future holds, but I am pretty confident that looking back years from now, we will consider her more of a blessing to our family than we were to her.
Most importantly though, I cringe at these statements because they put glory squarely in the wrong place. Many things that have happened in our lives are not what Greg and I would have chosen for us. I can imagine what I would have said on my wedding day if you had asked me, "What will your life be like in ten years?" There would have been no talk of more than two kids. I would not have uttered the words "adoption" or "special needs." Certainly I would not have mentioned the experience of holding my baby as she took her last breath. But the important part is that what God has orchestrated in our lives is so much better than any dreams or plans we may have had over ten years ago. Some of it has been gut-wrenching pain, but it has been for our good. (It really hurts me to say/admit that, so you know I mean it!) God has worked to change our hearts and make us so eager to love a child all the way around the world with special needs. God has worked. Just this morning we sang in church, "To God be the glory, great things He has done!" We are humbled at the opportunity to be part of God's plan for our daughter's life.
No comments:
Post a Comment